Wednesday, August 03, 2005

I effing hate Hollister

Made a quick visit to Hollister yesterday, but before I could even make it inside I vomited all over my clothes, and others around me. Not that I haven't been in or seen it before, but for some reason the pseudo beach house exterior really got to me this time. Protruding out into the mall-goers path, fake plants, and the icing on the cake; the two option opening. As far as I could tell, there is now way to decipher which direction would be the one for me. I certainly wouldn't want to make the wrong choice, however, as there are a total of 4 (four) generic Hollister employees just hanging out in front of the 'choose your destiny' entrance. Why 4? at classy stores i.e. Bacharach, there are two workers- total. They help you if you need it, and they say hi to you. Anyways, I don't want to make the wrong choice in fear of what the 4 employees might think. "Rookie" "Newbie" "faggot", I could hear all the name calling if I were to make the improper choice. Well as I approach the door, and all four of the employees are able to conduct their random generic coached sentence, consisting of "hey, whats up." And after I have answered each one individually, I finally duck in the left side. Wow, really dodged a bullet there- now it's time to grab a pair of jeans. After fighting through 5...FIVE! more employees its on to the second vestibule. Why vestibules? every legitimate store in the world is one big store, easily laid out for the casual shopper. Here at Hollister it isn't that simple, no you must fight your way through the hoardes of workers who look somewhat like the people that shop there; very generic and overly affable-but only because they are forced to- then and only then can you move to your next challenge of moving to a new vestibule. Another trick Hollister like to play is to throw an item in multiple vestibules, this way one can lose track of where they have seen the item. I have broken down my train of thought while in Hollister to illustrate the absolute mental anarchy it creates inside each and every one of us. What is actually said is bolded.
"good lord, shut up. what is that guy even doing? why are there so many people folding clothes, I can't even get to those jeans, oh well, don't want to look like i'm not 'chill' enough, so I guess I wont get them. Hey, not much. Hey, I'm doing fine. Hey thanks. just fuck off, come on why are all these people talking to me, I just want jeans. where are the straight leg jeans? In the back vestibule? Fuck, now I have to get all the way back there, maybe she won't see me...DAMN IT Hey Not much unbelievable. Ah these shorts are nice, let me look for my size NO, no thank you, I don't need your help, I am just going to grab my size Back off queer, and put your fucking collar down, you look like a walking cliche. Alright, great a pair my size, now all I have to do is get to the back vestibule to grab the jeans. hide behind this plant until she walks by..go go! alright, I skipped a whole vestibule without being bothered. my lord the music is loud here, what is this, a club scene? turn it down, i can hardly hear myself think here. Hey, yes I would find everything fine if you would just leave me the fuck alone! oh my bad sorry wait, these shorts are nice, and my size, too. Damn it,I already got them from vestibule one, but the music is so loud I lost train of thought, now I can;t put them back, I'll look stupid. and I cant go try them on cause then I'll look like some rookie who doesn't know his size, and If I don't come out with both pair it will look like I messed up on one size, and I can't buy both cause then I wont be able to return it then they'll think I screwed up from the get go, or maybe even stole them and now Im trying to pull one over on them. So I have to wait till they are all not looking..FIRE point that way, set shorts down oh wow guys, sorry, just a smoker exhaling wow, great, only one pair now. now to the jeans.......etc."

Thats all you are thinking, the semi normal person helping me said they had as many as 40 workers in there yesterday FORTY. Are they fucking nuts? you don't need 40 workers, it's only Hollister. I can't wait until that store meets its end


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