Tuesday, May 31, 2005

Memorial day minutes

Lets see, Memorial day, are you all set up? "Burgers, check. Soft drinks, check, chips, check. Boat, check, friends to hang out with, check. Watersports gear, check. But what could I possibly be forgetting, Yost?" Uh I don't know, maybe the whole reason for this F-ing holiday! The F-ing troops! We really don't celebrate this holiday as we should, instead of making it about giving thanks for the largest sacrifice a man/woman can make, we just use it as an excuse to party, or go out and get brewed. I for one didn't omit from my day the troops of now and the past, lets hope you didn't either.

Lake notes: Ok, so after my celebration of the troops, I did in fact do the generic lake thing. But only to fish in the piece and quiet.... But wait, I couldn't because of the fucking jetskiers. The Sand Bass are schooling, what is the only way on God's green earth that I would not be able to haul them in by the bucketful? Some jackass on a Seadoo after 12 Michelob's. Honestly, I'm in a cove, get out of my personal space, you piece of shit. I hope you cut in front of a 22' Malibu, and get cut right the fuck in half.
I also believe a great idea for a reality TV show would be "Boat Ramp Jackasses." Upon boat purchase, you don't have to take any kind of class on launching a boat.... But some should be forced too. Every time I go to the lake I get 10 minutes of entertainment out of watching some Johnny-Pencil-Pusher attempt to put his boat in the water. Harder than it looks, jackass? Allow me to help...wait, you don't want my help? well you should, because I just launched my own boat,(which by the way is a full 5 feet larger than yours), from this very same ramp no more than 5 minutes ago. But you do say that you've "got it" so I will just get out of your way, and watch the wind continue to carry your boat away from the shoreline while you park your truck. Thats right, it floated from the sandbar, and wait, you want a ride? you cant fucking have one, I'm on my way to fish........fucker. This is pretty much one example of every day at the boat ramps.

Spurs lose
Only a minor speed bump on the path to a championship, the Spurs fell at home, thanks in part to a monster dunk by black basketball star Amare Stoudemire. Look... I am not going to do a real report about the game, because it was an aberration. It isn't even real. Don't worry abut it.

Good night... and God bless

Monday, May 30, 2005

Sunday Brunch

I have decided to put off "GPHS Graduation notes Part Deux" until tommorow, as today was filled with too many things of which I needed to make note.

My Roughriders spilt their doubleheader with the Springfield Cardinals, however I was forced to make the following observations:
What is it with the Black Dominican and the un-tucked jersey. I don't know how they do it down in Santo Domingo, but they look fucking stupid. I don't know how it isn't against the rules.
Note to Roughriders entertainment staff.(And by the way, I already made the staff aware of my complaint. During the Memorial weekend fireworks display it is appropriate to play your first song choice, "Born in the USA." However, Green Day's "American Idiot", just because it says "American", can not be deemed appropriate. As a general rule, it can be noted that playing a song mocking American culture, during a celebration of said culture, could be viewed as overwhelmingly absurd.

Why do the limes on the Pepsi commercial speak with a Jamaican accent? Is it a widely accepted idea that citrus fruits-if granted the ability to talk-would be Jamaican?

more "Gyminutes"
I have decided that Lifetime fitness is more of a 3-ring circus/ gongshow than a gym. It's great that it has ammenities, but children should not be allowed, let alone f-ing parites. And do not attempt to remove me from the court when I am busy practicing my jumpshot. I actually pay money for my membership, and deserve the right to use that court whenever I feel the urge. Do not tell me that Cooper Hastings, a 9 year old student at Brinker Elementary needs the gym so his little party group can play some half-ass form of volleyball.
Memo to most Lifetime trainers. I know more than you about fitness. Your one day class about "general health" doesn't give you the right to walk around the place and attempt to acquire business by trying to tell people the "proper" way to do a certain excercise. And why are you wearing a life jacket? well, at least it accentuates your lack of any discrenable muscle mass. Fuck you.

Look.. I'm really sorry. I tried, I watched it again, and I really, really want to like the Royal Tenenbaums. But I can't. I love the cast so much, and I laughed a lot-I really did. For the most part, it is my kind of humor, but Wes Anderson is just not my type of film maker.

one graduation note today: Major props to whomever was salutatorian at Grand Prairie. She concluded her speech by thanking our creator for the gifts with which he had granted her, and calling on us all to do the same for ourselves. It must be noted that God is the guiding light which we must always remember to follow

Sunday, May 29, 2005

Graduation Notes

I Recently attended the graduation for Grand prairie High School- Class of 2005. Following the event, I was able to make the following observations:
They should change the name of Grand Prairie's graduation from "graduation" to "The only time that 98% of these kids will ever be recognized for anything other than wastes of life."
Rain is sweet, but not when you have to walk long distances, then it just becomes a fucking nuisance.
Now, the notes on graduation, mind you are simply about THIS graduation, and not a generalization about all.
Memo to guests of graduates: Chill the 'F' out. We all know you are pumped that Juan actually graduated, but so did almost every other f-ing student. Honestly, stop being so damn fired up about the graduation. There is no need for yelling, screaming, and carrying on;after all, your failure son isn't going to amount to anything other than caddying for me when I play a round at Tour 18 anyways.
Memo to most black, and a good deal of white graduates: Do not walk across the stage as though you are hard- you are wearing a gown, and a hat that is better suited on your lap for use as a hard writing surface than on your head. Congratulations, you graduated, no need for you to walk across the stage as though you were 50 cent in the music video for "Candy Shop."
Its great when your family member is valedictorian, because she not only talks first, she is also introduced first to grab her diploma, allowing you to leave somewhat early.
There are more Mexican people in Grand Prairie than in Cancun
It can not be fair that people in that school are counted with the same grade point average as those from Plano or Highland Park. The point is, students from Grand Prarie should be on a different scale, adapted for their undoubtedly bush league curriculum. I honestly could go on with this for a while-and believe me, I will- in "GPHS graduation, part deux" tommorow

Spurs notes

'Big Shot Bob' can do more than hit clutch threes Posted by Hello

I love the Spurs. I'm pretty sure most everyone knows that by now.(Nothing to do with the story, just thought I'd put that out there). They continued to roll tonight against the Suns, making them look like the F-ing Hornets. And as the Suns prepare to play their last game of the season on monday, the Spurs are just now heating up. They are playing their best basketball of the season at just the right time, and now it's just a matter of seeing which collection of Eastern Spares will be fed to this black and silver buzzsaw.

Stars advance one more

Daryl Dee's new threads Posted by Hello

Usually, good things happen to hard working people, but in the world of junior hockey, it seems like that rule sometimes just doesn't apply. Today, however, a hardworking, highly skilled player from the Dallas area finally got what he deserved- a spot on a junior A roster. Next year, Daryl Dee will be doing his goal scoring, and squid tossing in the Queen City, as a Helena Bighorn. Its great to see a player advance that has a high commitment level to go along with high skill level.

Friday, May 27, 2005

What do people belonging to the "White Trash" classification eat?

Aerosol cheese
Any generic product with just the name of it on a white label
Any meat item that has cheese already embedded in it
Anything from Sizzler Steak House (or any other buffet steak house)
Anything purchased at Piggly Wiggly food stores
Beer Nuts
Belt-buster or steak finger basket from Dairy Queen
Big League Chew bubble gum
Boiled peanuts
Bologna (if it is fried it doubles it’s whitetrashness)
Breakfast at a waffle house – especially steak & eggs
Cheese Balls rolled in nuts (that string of words alone is white trash!)
Cheese n crackers with the little red stick to spread the cheese
Cheez Whiz
Chili flavored chips
Chocolate Camel cigarettes (smoking training wheels for white trash kids)
Cooking bacon for just the grease to cook greens
Corn dogs
Corn Nuts
Cottage cheese accompanied with a canned, heavily-syruped fruit
Deviled ham
Eating a chunk of cheese by itself
Evaporated milk or cream with peaches and sugar
Plain white rice with milk and sugar
Kip’s Big Boy diners
Fish sticks
Fizzies (those flavored tablets you could add to water to create double fake soda
Fried pork chops
Frito chili pie
Fritos and bean dip
Fritos by themselves
Funny faces powdered flavor that white trash used instead of Kool-Aid
Generic mustard
Golden Flake, Tom’s, or Lance brand candies and chips
Grape soda
Gravy for breakfast
Grilled cheese with Miracle Whip
Cheese and crackers with Miracle Whip
Hambone for said greens n’ grease
Hamburger Helper
Hotdogs wrapped in bacon
Hungry Man frozen dinners
Hush puppies
Kings Cola (hard to find)
Lucky Strike smokes
Macaroni and cheese with franks
Moon Pies (especially with a RC Cola)
Peanut butter and jelly (from one jar) with potato chips ON the sandwich
Peanuts when eaten from a can in one sitting
Pepper sauce
Pickle in a bag (or jar) from a gas station
Pickled baby corn
Pickled okra
Pickled onions, eggs, pickles, pigs feet, pig ears…hell, everything PICKLED!!!
Pimento cheese
Pop Tarts (especially generic toaster pastries)
Pork and beans
Pork ‘n Beans
Pork rinds
Potato chips on a sandwich
Powdered milk
President’s Choice Brand
Purple-hull peas
Red Dog
Red draw (beer and tomato juice)
Red-dyed welfare hotdogs
Rice crispy bars
Generic cereal that just says cereal on the white box with black letters
Slim Jim & cheese
Sloppy Joes
Space food
Store bought cakes and cookies that have a holiday theme
Store brand or Blue Bunny ice cream.
Strawberry milk
Stuckey’s pecan roll
Thousand Island dressing
Tuna fish
Turkey legs
Turnip greens or any “greens” for that matter
Vienna Sausage (AKA “Monkey Dicks”)
Thanks to Gordon Keith who compiled much of this list

Rangers Notes

I recently attended the Rangers mauling of the cellar-dwelling Kansas City Royals, here are some game observations:

Thumbs down to the Texas Rangers concession staff
Dollar dog night is great, it's quite possibly the only time in sports concessionry that one actually receives close to a fair amount of refreshment, in return for the advertised fee. However, on such a glorious occasion, one must understand that many a ballpark goer will purchase at least one of these hot dogs. Knowing this, a logical person would think to place 10-20 dogs up front, ready to be whisked away due to their incredible value. This brings me to my situation, in which I am only 4 persons back in a line, yet somehow manage to miss an entire innning as a result of what I like to call, "Un-supervised, mentally challenged workers", or "USMCW"'s. Now I am a big advocate of the MCW, but when they work by themselves, they tend to have some troubles keeping up with the fast paced environment of a real world situation. No worries, just enter in a manager to watch over them- This strategy was not employed by the Texas Rangers, as many fans were forced to miss much of the game, because the USMCW's could not figure out to have enough hot dogs ready to go, on dollar hot dog night.

Thumbs Up To the Rangers
They took care of business against the two worst teams in major league baseball, sweeping the 'Stros, and Royals. If this team really wants to compete with the big boys, these games are must wins. Now lets see if they can keep it going as the White Sox roll into Ameriquest.

Thursday, May 26, 2005

Annual Soccer report

This may not be too popular, and I may lose all credibility as a sports guy, but I am going to talk soccer for a brief minute. (If you think about it, i should just gain credibility, due to my ultra wide range of sports knowledge). After viewing the finals of the European Cup, I found myself in awe of the magnitude of this event. After doing their best to lose it, Liverpool was able to come back from 3-0 to tie AC Milan at 3. After 2 unfathomable saves by Liverpool keeper Jerzy Dudek towards the end of extra time, the Livies completed the greatest comeback in the history of soccer by winning the game on penalty kicks. Aside from the largest game in the world being decided on somewhat of a skills comp. This game was as perfect as could be. The crowd, the atmosphere, the competition, the play- all were absolutely out of this world. And for someone like myself, who would rather watch Saved by the Bell re-runs than a normal soccer match, to be so enthused by one game- One can only imagine the excitement for those Euro's over such a simple game. And although I was absolutely enthrawled with this match and everything surrounding it, I must close with the following statement; Soccer is still a joke.

NFL jerseys: The NFL announced that it no longer will allow personalized jerseys to include the word "gay." After further research, it was found that the following 1,158 words are also banned.
NFL No'No's

Men, tired of your girl going where she wants, when she wants?
Girl Leash

Wednesday, May 25, 2005

Sandwich notes

A sandwich, no matter which kind, should come with cheese. One should not be forced to pay extra for something that should be included. It would be like buying a suit, but only receiving the pants- Then paying extra for the jacket. Cheese is such a simple addition, why, if they must charge extra, must they charge upwards of 60 cents? Can cheese really cost that much? Quizno's is going to force me to start treating it as a "BYOC" restaurant. Because by simply bringing my own cheese, I can save $1.83 per week. (assuming I purchase 3 sandwiches).

Gyminutes (note the cute play on words)

So another nighttime workout, and I have made the following observations:
If you are over 40, chances are you are not playing a competitive intense sport, so why the need for an intense exercise? Excessive grunting, and intense spotter lingo(GET IT!, ONE MORE!, DRIVE!) should be reserved only for members training for a specific purpose, and that one extra lift may put them over the top, giving them an advantage on their opponents. If Karl Swinson, a 55 year old network associate for Initech, can't quite get that 10th bench rep of 105, it really isn't a big deal because he is a nobody, and that rep will not noticeably improve his already flabby body.

Memo to fat woman in spandex:
Just by looking at you, we are well aware you are a lesbian. No need to wear a purple jumpsuit to match your Ellen Degeneres-esque "partner."

Hey, generic gym-goer. You aren't that sweet. I promise you. Just because you work out on occasion does not give you the right to think you are somebody in this world. Quit bouncing around the place like you are Roy Jones F-ing Jr. It's great you have energy, but bouncing around symbolizes athleticism-which you lack. Oh, and get out of the way of the Fucking mirror- There is absolutely no need to get right up against the mirror while you are doing hammer curls with 17.5's. Gym etiquette states you get your weights, and get the hell out of the way. And once you get your weights, DO NOT try to get psyched for your next set(see first note), your entire experience in the gym is to stay in shape, hooray! You have already accomplished that from your 5 minute bike ride- You can't trick everyone in the gym into thinking you are really intense just because you look somewhat focused. I can see right through you, it's all a show, you just want people to notice you. Well congratulations jackass, I noticed you, and you look like a fool.

DO NOT, under any circumstances wear Under Armour tight gear if you don't have the physique. It magnifies every glaring defect on your pathetic body.

Get out of my way when I am doing an exercise- Even though you don't deserve it, I show you respect by not walking in front of your mirror view. So when I am in the middle of an intense set of shoulder press, let me see myself! I, unlike you, have earned the right to look at myself in the mirror, and be intense- My workout actually matters.

Final note for this evening. Generic high school kids: Just because you work lower chest, and upper bi's doesn't mean that you are fit, it just means your Hollister graphic tee may fit a little tighter around the arm and around the chest. Well that's what you want isn't it? it satisfies you the first time someone comes up to you and says, "Have you been working out?" never mind the fact that your bicep is only defined midway down your arm; and legs? Who does legs? And back, "You mean you can workout your back?" Yes, bench press is great, kids, but have you ever thought that you can improve your all mighty bench press figures by simply working on other parts of your body?

I've learned that most people that work out at health clubs are the equivalent of this poor guy Oliver

Tuesday, May 24, 2005

Great defence, Bradley Posted by Hello

Good Looking flower, eh? just testing the picture capabilities Posted by Hello

Monday, May 23, 2005

How gay are you?

Think you are straight? You may be surprised. Take the test to find out just how gay you are. (I am a miniscule 25% gay)...... In case you were wondering.

PGA minutes

I attended the Bank of America Colonial this weekend, making the following observations:

Black people look odd in golf attire- I've had this theory for a long time, and It was proven again this weekend. Polo's and khaki's just aren't their thing-nothing against them, Baggy jeans and throw backs look equally grotesque on white folk.

Most golf fans attempt to live out their dreams vicariously through pro golfers- Look, golf fans, just because every weekend you head out to Ridgeview Ranch and slice your Pro V-1's into the trees doesn't give you the right to give Kenny Perry putting tips. You DO NOT share a common bond with him simply because you have played a round or two of golf. DO NOT attempt to analyze a read Scott Verplank is making- You don't know anything about golf. And Don't try to tell Stuart Appleby the way that putt has been breaking for the players beforehand. He isn't listening to you because you are a jackass. Probably sporting your generic "ping" hat, and generic golf polo, wanting to look like you play a little. He is also not listening to you because he is a PRO GOLFER, and you are a worthless fan. What you are trying to do wiuld be the equivalent of a fan yelling "Hey Tom(first name basis is key), Run Right pro 29 tight end load!" Tom is the QB, and Charlie Weis is the offensive coordinator for a reason, to call plays- You are in the stands/ gallery because you suck. You obviously aren't as good as these guys, so quit trying to tell them how to play. And also- get off of their D's! why do you have to act like they are royalty. They aren't paying attention to you when you say "nice bird, Jay." That nod of the head is simply habit, it comes naturally, it isn't because you are firing them up for the next hole. a simple "nice shot" and other generic compliments could be in order, but nothing personal. i.e. first names, you DO NOT KNOW THESE GUYS- stop calling them by first name.

When its 110 degrees, just spectating golf is rough, so props to everyone that even finished this weekend at Colonial

Finally, my new favorite golfer is Hunter Mahan. The Keller native is 22, attended Oklahoma State, and has a great all around look going on. btw, his parents live in Plano,I know this because Hunter's gallery consisted of my group and his mother- it was easy to get to know her.

Sunday, May 22, 2005

More NBA

In game 6, the Phoenix Suns-led by Steve Nash- were able to upend the Dallas Mavericks-led by.....well no one- to move on to the Western conference finals against the team that will eventually win it all-the San Antonio Spurs. With a rookie coach who made some rookie mistakes, and no on-court leadership, the Mavericks were destined to fail in this series, even though it seemed as if they had an opportunity to win in almost every game. I really like the team the Mavericks put on the court- and I don't believe they need to do anything big in the off-season, except allow these players, (and coach) to mature and grow. A couple questions to ponder: Can a player like Jerry Stackhouse emerge as the leader of this team next season? Will Michael Finley come off the bench, due to his ineffective play this season in a starting role?

Nash- Unathletic?
Bill Walton had one of the greatest jackass moments in sports commentating history in game 6, when he called Steve Nash, "The most unathletic player in the NBA." Mike Tirico was there to quickly keep Bill in check, however comments like these add to the long list of reasons why Bill Walton is the second worst basketball announcer on the air today. (see Doug Collins for who is # 1).

Ontarrio Smith's favorite site:
The Whizzinator

Thursday, May 19, 2005

What constitutes "bush league?"

I am having trouble learning how to manipulate this site to include the pictures and links I want. until then, please feel free to continue viewing the posts, and visiting some of these sites

Those who know me know that I am a connoisseur of team uniforms and logos. Many logos are known to be ridiculous in many ways. While I often attempt to explain some of the rules of logos, this site explains everything in depth. (read the rules of the site first).
Bush League Factor

NBA Playoffs

My early Predictions: Spurs in 6, Pistons in 6, Heat in 4 are looking great. Mav's in 7 took a big hit yesterday as the gutless Mavericks showed that they can not just "Cowboy up" whenever they choose. The following are the list of Mavericks that Didn't show up: Dirk-The offense was there in garbage time, but not in crunch time. And, on a day in which he was named to the All-NBA's first team (a first for the Mavericks), Played ZERO defense, especially on his little buddy Steve Nash. Erick Dampier: Well, not bad defensively, but we should at least hope for him to come up with a dunk in 1 out of every 2 attempts. Finley- 1 rebound. Horrible. Again. However, All is bright for the best sports franchise in the world. The Spurs are set to dish out punishment at the Key Arena in game 6. The Sonics and their fans know its a steep hill to climb.

ITC. Invitational

Initial word out of ITC-Richardson is that the July tournament is going to be nothing short of explosive. Kevin Smith captains the defending champion Islanders, with Cosmo Clarke, Steve Lamere, and a host of Alliance coaches. The North stars are back, and much improved, this time with the help of Craig Ludwig and Lyle Odelein to go along with the cast of skilled forwards already on the roster. The Channel 4 News Team is an interesting entry. Daryl Dee captains this squad headlined by Chris Nicolau and Jarrett Runey. This team has a lot of firepower, but many experts expect that the lack of grit on the roster could prove costly. The Madhatters are the darkhorse. With tons of grit and size,(Mewett, Robbins, Edwards, Van Lare), to go along with their speedy, skilled forwards, (Zawacki, Blackwell, Clark, Beck,this team seems to have the perfect ingredients for a tasty meal. This tournament promises to be exciting... More to follow on the other clubs entered

Initial "blogging"

So apparently having a "blog" is the first step to stardom. Mark Cuban has one, all radio talkshow hosts have one, even Donald Trump has one. And, it's different, and slightly more heterosexual than a "myspace" or "xanga." Look for me to share with you my wealth of knowledge concerning sports, fitness, humor, and politics.